


How did she do this

by CuteBobs



Series: NicoMakis [3]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Coming Out, F/F, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 00:27:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7292245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuteBobs/pseuds/CuteBobs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nico is trans and, incidentally, having a rough time. Enter Maki, stage right</p>
            </blockquote>





	How did she do this

**Author's Note:**

> This was cathartic to write, but unfortunately Nico's negative thought spiral at the start is also pretty intense. If you're sensitive to this or body image issues, please consider skipping this one. Take care of yourselves, please.

Cowering in the corner of the training room, Nico hugged her knees. Maybe she should've pushed the point more, but Kotori had smiled so innocently. Nico glanced at the costume she'd thrown on the floor. Her hands cramped in their urge to rip it apart. It didn't deserve this. Seething, she banged her head against the wall. Love your body, the people online had said. She'd tried and tried and still she couldn't.

Why? The hormones had given her the girly figure she'd longed for, except she was still short and flat like a child. The world's number one idol? Nico snorted. She was 18; she wasn't going to grow much more. After all of her hard work? 18 years and she had nothing. Without µ's she had nothing.

Hot tears seeped into her eyes. Nico cried her frustration into her hands. All that because her new costume emphasized her chest. She chuckled bitterly. Pathetic. What if she'd just said something? Kotori would've understood. Not that it would have changed the core of the problem, but at least she wouldn't waste her time crying in an empty school. She struck the wall. Fuck this. She needed to get home.

“Nico…?”

She bit her lips. God, why Maki? The last person she wanted to see right now. Forcing a smile, Nico faced her. “H-hey, I was just,” she gasped, “just…” She was such a sobbing mess she couldn't even get the words out. Nico crawled back into her corner. She couldn't handle any glares or scolding Maki was surely about to dish out. “L-leave –“

Instead Maki embraced her from behind. Wh-what was she doing? With their heads right next to each other, Nico couldn't see her expression. Why? Maki stroked Nico's head.

“What's wrong?” Maki said.

Nico had expected pity, but there was none. Sympathy, from this ice queen? Nico's mind raced trying to figure out how to put her grief into words or how much to say or if to even say anything. She couldn't untangle the giant black knot in her head. Nico groaned in frustration. Maki stayed silent, soothing Nico with gentle hands. It made Nico want to let it all out.

“You don't have to tell me, Nico. It's fine.”

Nico slapped her own forehead and rubbed her eyes. Despite herself, she wanted to stay like this. Maki's long fingers running over Nico's hair, the connection of their bodies, Maki's soft humming… It pulled Nico out of her head and blew away the dark clouds. Unconsciously, Nico leaned her head against Maki's. When she realized, she smiled at Maki's lack of reaction. Nico definitely preferred this new, sweet side of her.

“Thanks…” Nico muttered when her breath was back under control.

“Are you all right?”

“I guess. A little.”

Maki slowly let go and Nico immediately missed her warmth. Positioning herself in front of Nico, she said, “If you ever need someone to talk to or… I don't know…” Nico almost couldn't tell Maki was blushing.

“Thanks. Really.” Gazing into those kind eyes made her wonder… Should she just go ahead and tell her? All of it? Maybe… Maybe she'd never see this gentle Maki again if she did, though.

Maki got up and offered her hand. Blinking her last tears away, Nico accepted it.

“Well, if you're fine I'll go take this outfit and –“

Nico gripped Maki's hand. “I… I'm trans.”

Maki looked at her, then stared at the ceiling. She seemed to chew this information like steak. Nico felt like throwing up. She needed certainty. She needed to know if Maki would treat her differently. Now. Maki nodded.

“Do you mean like…” Maki paused, trying to pick her words carefully. “You like being a girl?”

Nico was dumbstruck. An interesting way to put it. She hadn't expected that. “Y-yes!”

Again, Maki took her time mulling everything over. It made Nico kind of anxious, but at the same time she felt like she was taken seriously, which was a pleasant change of pace. “So…” Maki pointed at the dress, lying forlornly on the floor. “Is that connected to your bad mood?”

Nico lowered her gaze. “Yeah… It's just like… I look like a cute girl, right?”

Maki whispered, “You are, so…”

“But that's all I'll ever be. I'm short. I have no boobs. I've always wanted to be an idol, but my body… It feels like a betrayal after everything I went through. Why me, you know? I'll never have the body I want and it's making me sick. It's like I'll be a joke forever.” When she'd finished, Nico felt Maki's thumb softly running over Nico's hand. Maki had been doing it for a while, she realized.

“I see. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.” She waited for Nico to go on, but when she didn't, Maki continued, “Um, I'm going to change the topic a bit, if you don't mind?”

A giant weight had been taken off Nico. Maybe she could do this more often now? Maki took all of this surprisingly well. “Uh, sure.”

“Um.” Maki's lips fought each other. “I'm sorry if this isn't okay to ask, but, uh… Can I kiss you?”

What. Was this a prank? Nico checked if they were being watched. Or maybe she'd misheard. Yeah, that had to be it.

Maki bit her lip. “Nico?”

“Ah, yes, you were saying?”

Maki tried again in a softer voice. “Would you… like me to kiss you?”

Oh. Nico scratched her head. This couldn't be real, right? Why would Maki…? “You… You don't have to pity me?”

“What? No! I…” Maki sighed and pinched a lock of her hair. “I think you're really, really cute and I… You keep sneaking into my thoughts all day and… I'd really like to kiss you…” She frowned. “Never mind, I'm going ho–“

Nico didn't let go of her hand. “Y-you mean it?”

Maki turned away. “Y-yeah… I'm sorry for being mean all the time, I was just… You're just so cute, I didn't know how to handle it… God, I'm terrible.”

Nico pulled Maki's arm. “I guess the world's number one idol can share her first kiss with the pretty girl who can't be honest with her feelings.”

Maki slowly faced her. Nico grabbed her cheeks. “Bwueh?”

“You'd better treasure this moment!” Nico pulled Maki close and kissed her. Soft lips melted together. Nico smiled. Not only did she love the feeling of Maki's lips, she liked the feeling of her own as well. She really was a cute girl and maybe that could be enough.

Maki's legs wobbled. “Th-that wasn't fair.”

Nico smirked at her. “Well, I'm a busy girl and have to go home. Maybe we can do this again tomorrow?”

Maki covered her mouth. She couldn't hide her blush, though. “Yeah.”

Together they took care of the costume and hung it up. Their footsteps echoed in the empty school building. She'd never expected to ever walk beside Maki like this.

“Do you… want to go home together?” Maki said.

“Yeah, that sounds fun.”

“So, um, I could talk to Kotori, if you want.”

Nico's answer surprised herself. “Thanks, but I think it'll be fine.” Maybe she would give it another try. It seemed a bit easier to lo– like her body when someone else clearly did, too. Maybe she did have that in her after all.

Maki graced her with a radiant smile. “I'm glad you're feeling better.”

Nico got hit by a figural truck. She gripped her chest through her pink cardigan. “Th-thanks.” Nico noticed Maki had intertwined their fingers. How long…? How did she do this. “Maki, you're incredible.”

Twirling her finger around a red lock, Maki averted her gaze. “O-of course!” She squeezed Nico's hand. “I guess… But so are you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I feel ambivalent about trans headcanon Nico, because it works well, but is also super sad because she's always the joke. Here I kinda took this and added a sweet Maki and almost cried writing this. I hope I don't forget to let trans Nico have fun times, too. She's a good girl.


End file.
